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Updated: Jul 29, 2020

Exactly 4 years ago to the date this week my uterus felt like it was ripped out of me, stomped on and thrown back into my guts. It was a week much like this week- beautiful and almost summer like.

The air was crisp and clean and people were excited for football and all the fun fall things ahead. Me, I was laying in bed – crying and worrying mostly. Worrying that if this procedure did not work- I was never going to have kids. I was never going to experience motherhood. Kevin was never going to experience fatherhood. And worse, I felt like if it didn’t work. It was me. My fault.

Did I not do enough? Was I not healthy enough? Did I inject the medication wrong? Was I too stressed out? Were my eggs no good? Oh, man I can't even describe the amount of worry I felt.

I was Spiritual and we are not supposed to worry because “tomorrow will worry for itself.” But I WAS WORRIED. I had a plan and this plan needed to work and if it didn’t I was surely going to lose my shit. God only gives you what you can handle— or this, God only gives you what HE can help you handle. Either way- he knew I couldn’t handle a negative test.

I know this date very well. Not only because it was Labor Day weekend but also my cousin would be delivering her new baby girl this next week and I knew if I had a negative test I would never be able to step foot in that hospital room and see the new little one. I would not be able to take it. She gave birth that week—and at the hospital I was able to announce that I was pregnant. Very newly pregnant but I was. I had never been pregnant in my life- this was a true miracle.

Going through In vitro fertilization was not for the weak. I must say. If you have done it or plan to do it you must be strong. I remember multiple ultrasounds laying in the room bawling my eyes out at why I had to go through this? Why!?!?! The routine ultrasound check to see if your eggs were growing like they should be. I remember a time being afraid of needles. After being stuck every other day for multiple weeks I now can prep that vein even before the nurse steps foot into the room.

I was in secret with the process. Kevin and I told very, very few people. We weren’t ready to share. I was not ready. I was embarrassed and ashamed. My body was not doing what it was intended to do. Doing this in secret was literally the worse thing I think we could have done for us mentally….always hiding from people and making excuses on why we couldn’t be at events. It was exhausting!! I will tell you this though—It did bring US closer together as a couple. All we had was each other a lot of the time. Just us home – alone—A LOT! Me laying in bed feeling “sick” but really I was definitely depressed. I also wanted to tell no one because- if it didn’t work I didn’t want the awkward conversations with people.

It did work though! We delivered twin boys in April of 2014. So blessed! So very blessed. I still though was not really ready to speak out loud about our struggle. I was just still embarrassed and didn’t want the questions. I wasn’t ready. Sure we got the questions and the looks and the “do twins run in your family?” And we just would say… YEP they do.

Kevin’s friend, at the time, even had the nerve to post on his page- “Hey, my wife wants to know—are your twins natural?” Like, really?—my blood still boils talking about it a little. Why would you EVER post that question, Number 1. Number 2—are they natural? Really,? No, they are fake kids——–I can assure you after throwing up for 18 weeks and carrying these 6 pounders in my belly for 36 weeks and 5 days strong— I can assure you brotha- these babies are real. I kind of feel sorry for that guy because I REAMED HIS ASS for asking this question. Now looking back I guess I could have handled the situation better. I don’t think they talk anymore – hmm?

Listen, I know that people who have not dealt with fertility issues don’t know what is wrong and right to say. I will give you advice— if you have to question it in your heart if it is appropriate or not—THEN JUST DON’T SAY IT. I don’t care if its your best friend- your daughter – or your daughters best friend….JUST DON’T. Don’t ask it unless they seem ready and open to discuss…ok? Now, on another note—I am ready and open.

My next round of IVF… I WAS READY— I mean I was a soldier!! Yup! I knew what to do and when to do it…. I did all my own shots and drove my own butt to the doctors appointments, with company sometimes–(they were like 2 ½ hours away). I had to be this way—I had two baby boys at home that needed to be cared for and a husband who worked crazy hours. I had to get tough and be tough. I told everyone who would listen what we were going through so I could ask for help—we needed it. It wasn’t about me anymore- it was about them. I needed to get through this without it affecting them negatively in any way. I did too- I really rocked this round of Ivf. I can honestly say that. I made it through—my body made it through.

Long story short….. doctor says how many eggs you want to put it- KEVIN says ONE!! We have twins at home. Ok, fine—you have a 25 % chance of this working—Doctor recommends doing 2 eggs than chances go up to 60 percent. Kevin says NO- doctor says you will NOT get twins again—I can almost promise you this… Kevin says “doctor, one egg.” I am just going with whatever because I had to beg to do this again so soon anyway, right. Then the WEEK before the procedure is going to go through- Kevin says—“lets just do 2.” I am like, OK- that is literally all I said – I didn’t want him to change his mind because I knew with one egg in the odds were against us—so 2 it was. 6 week later… ultrasound appointment—I know what to look for- I see it – I see TWO sacs…..Kevin has no clue until nurse says—“o its twins!!” Me and Kevin look at eachother – nurse says “are you ok?” I say—well, we have twins at home, they are 17 months old. Nurse says- “oh.”—Kevin leaves the room nurse says “is he ok?” I say—“not sure.” Dead silence the entire ride home…the whole night almost. Now, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, there it is the story of our family.

In Spirit,


Original Post Published in Scary Mommy September 2017


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